:: dadi ::

few years back, i have this thing in my mind and in my dreams that i'LL be alive until my my 27th year. until my dad passed away dec 18 - and i was 27 y.o. then... right there when that green line thing in the monitor hit me -- im 27 and its not me who died instead it was my father. i could still perfectly recall how he struggled exactly 7.05pm of dec 18 @ cduh. that last breath, that straight green light in the monitor system -- i never thought it would happen to me, us. its almost 2 years has past since my dad passed away.

when i was still a child - im not that close to my dad. he's my number one enemy at home. even if he's (& my mom as well) the kind of parent(s) who hit their child to discipline them yet i still i love them silently. i used to have lots of questions behind me like -- why my dad dont have any job, he's the one taking good care of us (me & my sis), and the like, alot of "why's". but through the years i found out that my dad is a very shy type of guy, aloof and oh he used to be an activist-- he's only confident enough to speak when he gets drunk. i know pretty much that he's intelligent. i also remember when i was 5-7 y.o. where there are lots of strangers coming to our place-- talking to my dad-- i wonder who they were, so i asked my mom and said they were NPA's asking my that to be one of their speaker or something. "sus if nadayon to si dadi -- ipako.ut jud ni nako ang mga hilabtanon og suyaon sa akong palibot"

i remember one time, when i was out playing in our neighborhood, accidentally hit my head with that coco trunk and had a cut, was crying on my way home, when my dad saw me crying to death and saw my head was bleeding -- instead of comforting me -- he hit me with a broomstick coz he was cleaning our garden and told me "mao na cge man og kiat". it was almost dark when he wanted to bring me to the nearby clinic but decided not to instead coz he wants my mom to do it. scared that my mom will find out and get another set of "bunal", i slept early so she wont noticed my cut - yet she woke me up to take a look and hugged me.

too much bout that.

i may not be the kind of person who visit's my dad but i kept him inside my heart and he's always in my thoughts. how i wish he's still around

i've wanted and longed to write this thing about him coz 1 thing is for sure, i miss my father so much.




DANCE with MY FATHER

back when i was a child

before life removed all the innocence

my father would lift me high

and dance with my mother and me and then

spin me around till i fell, feel asleep

then up the stairs he would carry me

and i knew for sure, i was loved.

if i could get another chance

another walk, another dance with him

i'd play a song that would never ever end

how i'd love, love, love to dance with my father again.

when i and my mother would disagree

to get my way i would run from her to him

he'd make me laugh just to comfort me (ooh)

and finally make me do just what my mother said

later that night when i fell asleep

he left a dollar under my sheet

never dreamed that he would be gone from me. (noo)

if i could steal one final glance,

one final step, one final dance with him

i'd play a song that would never ever end

'cause i'd love, love, love to dance with my father again.

Dance with my Father Again by Tamyra Gray